New SouthPark Order

Cloned from the genetically-engineered RogueList

Rated M for 'More'

Stone Cold Joe Austin [from ComedyCentral.com]:

Hello, South Park Booster Club members!

My name is Joe Austin, and I am the moderator of the "new and improved" version of the Comedy Central South Park Booster Club.

I would like to tell you all about some changes that we are making to the South Park discussion list to make it a more enjoyable experience for everyone!

First of all, the South Park Booster Club will now be a moderated list. You will only receive 2 digest emails a day, which will contain the best messages sent to the list that day.

I will be reading all the emails sent to the Booster Club and will only post the messages that are interesting and entertaining. I will not post emails that contain personal insults, obscene language, one sentence responses, or technical questions and comments (the technical problems will be forwarded to the List Manager).

The purpose of these changes is to insure the highest possible quality of reading content in each digest message. Please be aware that due to the large volumes of email we receive, we cannot possibly post everyone's submissions (even if they follow the guidelines above).

Our posting email address has also changed. To now post emails to our South Park discussion list, please send your submissions to: spmoderator@sparklist.com

I look forward to working with all of you to make this the best South Park list out there! Thank you for your participation in the Comedy Central South Park Booster Club, and we hope that you will enjoy these new and exciting changes! Kick Ass!

-Joe Austin

See the official South Park site: http://www.comedycentral.com/southpark
To Remove, Send An Email To: remove-southpark@lists.comedycentral.com
For Technical Questions, Send An Email To: sp-listowner@sparklist.com
To Post To The List, Send An Email To:  spmoderator@sparklist.com


The UnderTommer:

Joe Austin wrote:

> This is the last one; I promise! I only received 3 post today that had
> any actual South Park content; the rest were about the list change over
> to a moderated format. Please help me out here, and submit some kew
> post! -Joe

I sent my subscribe request to the Booster Club because, as Lenin said (John Lenin was the astronaut who remained in orbit whilst Englebert Humperdinck & John Denver went traipsing about the moon): We have to take you over from within. Although, barring Naziesque tactics of battling on two fronts, how the hell are we spose to take over the bitch list if you're taking over the Booster Club?

Lass time Rock Clod was on the Booster Club, he started a big fight with his quoting of a Digest. So now, the lights dim and Def Leppard's Hysteria starts on the P.A., flashpots explode and smoke billows; flashing lazerlights and more explosions as the UnderTommer enters the South Park auditorium, followed by the New SouthPark Order (Jeremy's commandeered army of manatees) and strides purposefully onto the stage— er, ring.

"The rest of the South Park Wrestling Federation may hide in their caverns, but weird cosmic Internet stuff happened last time you were here, Stone Rock. Like Rogue rats from a sinking ship we dove into the cybersea, to travel alost and adrift until a moderated list came along and rescued us. But mean old spiritearth was dominated by the tyrant Jesus. The SPWF rebelled, and flourished, and now you want to take us back to where it all began. The New SouthPark Order will GET you for this, Stone Cold!"

Now stargame's being a dill-doe and not subscribing me, which is good 'cause the bitches are of no use to me; I'll have to burn the server. That is one gay homosexual list. I'm busy getting the SPWF all set for the big South Park Royal Rumble. Cartman's mom works at cablevision.com and hooked us up with free Paper-View.

So Stone Clod thinks he's too big and mighty for the SPWF. Wants to go make moovies in Hollywood and stuff. Well, your cool official Comedy Central-sanctioned list can just get its bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me a PAH! Go 'way Starvin' Marvin, this is Kenny's creamed Kitty. Kitty's bein' a Ultra-Vibe Pleasure 2000.

ANYWAY, so I the UnderTommer, who've always BEEN the leader of the New SouthPark Order, have to challenge Stone Cold Rock Austin to a steel cageball match between himself and whoever he can dredge up, against... Maggie Testabitch, Lord Of The Genetically-altered Superpenguins. With karate-action Patrick Duffy leg.

We have a she-receptionist out there taking ticket orders now.

We are the rats, and you are Kenny! We'll swarm on you like a Jooky hornet's nest! Taison's really Trey, and that's why there are rats on the show every week. South Park's infested with 'em. And we Rogue rats will continue to march right in, crawl up yer leg, and start biting you on the inside yo' ass because, like dolphins, we live in igloos. Virtual igloos. Okay, really cold houses.

We crushed the mean old spiritearth, and we killed South Park Online! Forget the bitches, the Booster Club is next! RRAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!! (Klingon Death Cry)
  —The Evil Anti-Spice


The UnderTommer:

Subject: My opinions
Date: Sat, 21 Feb 98 17:29:44 +0000

I'm too late reading my mail to contribute to the Gamera thing, but that was a great song! I still sing it all the time: "Kitty cat is really sweet, he is filled with kitten meat..." He's really a girl. And sometimes a dill-doe. I also liked Misty3K's "He tri-i-ied to kill me with a forklift..." Perhaps these references were saying something to the Comedy channel about dumping MST3K?

The Booster Club wonders if Matt & Trey read the Booster club stuff. I've looked at the credits at the end, and there are quite a few people who work on the show directly. Add in all the employees of Comedy Central (and who is 'Comedy Partners' anyway? I wanna talk about licensing) and you have a ton of people who are connected with the show, and one or two of them have to take an interest in the "Internet presence" of SP. If thousands of people were to see my work, I'd sure like to know what they said about it.

So whoever's monitoring must be disappointed in the demographics.

I'm not posting to the Booster Club anymore. I'm too mature and I'm a dumbass if I think SP is made at Skywalker Ranch. Did I know it was actually done on A COMPUTER?! (Probably a cool new G3 Mac!... Taison's!) Talk about dumbass... then I get a form-mail from Com Central that tells me how to unsubscribe. Is this a hint?

My friend from SP-less cable countryvision dot com came to visit so I'll probably lose my 7-episodes-back-to-back, edited VHS. Dammit, he never gave me back the FIRST 6-episode-back-to-back, edited tape. "Oh, I've seen this one" he says. Yeah, it was MY tape you saw it on!

Saw Stone Cold Steve Austin kick ass last week on some WWF thing. We were looking to find out sure enough, the same guy that used to be the Undertaker is now the SP-shirt-wearin' Road Dog.

 So from now on, the UnderTommer will be known as: The Rogue Dog!

Agtscully has steel balls now. I've seen those jingly balls. My girlfriend has big balls that spark when you spark 'em against each other, but I think the dingly ones you have are called Ben-wa balls. Ask Kenny.

The Rogue Racing Team at the Legion is 6th out of 25. Wish me more luck.

And to Sharon: I went to High School with a Dick Trickle, too, but only on cheerleader pep day. It's not something I talk about. Since then, I obtained some Ben-wa balls and it's all better.

And if you went to H.S. with THAT Dick Trickle... he's OLD!

See Kenny with the sack of marbles & a carrot to put on the snowman?

It is so cool to see so many Rogue references on the show. I said the background scenes of Colorado were digitized to LOOK like construction paper, so they promptly leave out that part of the process to prove it, in the car with Chef & Leonard Maltin.

And the whole Mecha-Streisand thing was for Ucchanime Kiyanime. Hope you enjoyed it. I got tired of those monster movies watching MST3K all the time, so I wasn't real thrilled but I thought of you and had a moment.

The Visitor knows The Wizard of Oz Soundtrack! Mister Visitor? This morning you took my Pink Floyd album...

Was thinking of Mr. Hankey today. I do that sometimes, but c'mon, admit it, don't we all? Sometimes he's runny, sometimes he's stinky (not to be confused with Rum and Stinky, the cartoon that originated the concept of talking poo)... I use Hostess Dunkin' Stix as Mr. Hankeys, 'cause you can dunk 'em in your counselor's coffee.

I wanted PAH real bad the other day, so I got one of those Hostess Fruit Pies— strawberry, 'cause I wanted it to look like the pie in Stephen King's "Thinner". I couldn't get it to throb, though. Man, I'm like Cartman; I could just stand at the end of a PAH conveyer belt & have all these PAHs goin' pop pop pop into my big fat mouth. No... mo... pah...

Ba-bu-wa is willy neat, she is filled with Streisand meat. And I can get the first 7 episodes of "Jonny Sokko & the Giant Robot" on VHS.

So you know that guy who made the bomb that Jimbo & Ned put on the Middle Park mascot? They busted him with some Anthrax!

Also to set the record straight: Tara Lipinsky is NOT Monica Lewinsky.

Enough from the Manatee Weekly News.
  —Rogue Dog


The UnderTommer:

Subject: Oh no, Leno and Oleo
Date: Sat, 28 Feb 98 01:02:52 +0000

Heyall,
I just saw David Caruso on Jay Leno (well, not ON Jay Leno)... not one mention of anything that they might have in common. Oh my god, they didn't talk about Kenny! Dim bastards!

After the 4-minute interview, a better impression of his career would have been Ike hanging on to the side of the spaceship, trying to climb back in. And not making it.

So he thinks it's his turn, to become a movie star. See him weekly on NBC. Like, Cartman can be seen 3 times a week on cablevision.com. That makes Cartman a bigger star than David Caruso. Wonder what their Q-ratings are.

Cartman and his mom could probably get on any number of Jerry Springer shows. I can just see him launching his fat ass across the stage, screaming, "I'll kick you in the nnuts!" (Bouncers restrain him, audience roars for 32 seconds)
Springer: Eric, what do you want to say to your mother?

And here's MY idea. Once, just once, when Kenny's making a speech, throw in a bleep. (Joe, give THAT one to the script guy.)

And I know Taiweed Tam is still Trey. Okay, seriously, Taison is... an enigma. I return to innocence. No, really, the answer is so obvious, and the joke's on all of us. Taison is... KENNY! (I think he originated the role on Broadway, before South Park became a movie. In the libretto for the production "Goin' Down to South Park", Kenny not only has the funniest lines, but he sings!)

 SEE, my first clue came when Kenn— (dammit!) TAISON said his site was down once, but I java-bombed a back door and hacked in, and although the images loaded, all the text just read: "Mmmmm mmm mmmmmmmm mmm mmmmmm mmmm!"

Since Joe and Taison are so connected with SP, I'm trying to get them to get me a job running master control on Jesus & Pals. Okay, Joe knows better: I wanna be the special guest sound effects for Terrence. No credit necessary, I just need the cash. Ever heard whale song? (user makes noises that cause the Kitty to stare) No Kitty, you can't sing any! No Kitty this is MAH whale song!

Okay, whale song, as sung by a manatee: wieeeeeeeee...  MMRRAAAAAAWWWWRRR!

Also I'm thinking that Ike's voice in Mecha-Babs was mebbe actual recorded baby-talk? And was Cartman's house number the same as Wendy's? These are important questions, crucial to the plot development of the film. After all, if YOU were on the Titanic & it was sinking repeatedly, would you want to be stranded on a desert iceberg with Leonard DiCaprio, or with Eric Cartman?

Not Cartman 'cause he'd be all Miss Pissy Pants and complain all the time like me. Then he'd get bored & want to play Rochambeau, in the road production of Les Mis. Not Lesbian Miss, that's the latest mag to feature his mom in a nude pictorial. Unless Lesbian Miss is that school down south. Oh, that's OL' Miss. And speaking of southern colleges, they call Alabama (where Garrison's mother was from) the Crimson Tide, and their star running back, Denzel Washington, was drafted by the 1989 Denver Broncos. So THAT'S who Cartman's dad is.

Rochambeau was the French general in Les Mis, who always kicked lesbians in the balls. Hence the title. Remember that sad sad song that Kenny sings? "It's hard to be a lesbian, on Christmas. My friends won't let me kick them in the nnnutz!" Come to think of it, I believe Eric Cartman played General Rochambeau in Les Mis, before he got the part in "Goin' Down To South Park".

Where was I? Oh, on the Titanic. (The ship's aground on the shore of this ti-tanic icy berg...)
So you don't wanna be stranded with Kyle, 'cause he's Jewish, and it's illegal for Jews to eat Iceberg snow. No, you want Kenny, because even though he's one sick lil bastard, you could play Rochambeau for his parka!

Which leads to my idea for a Kenny death: crushed between the Titanic and an iceberg. The idea part comes during the animation process, where instead of the usual recognizable dead Kenny figure, they just scan in a blob of Hostess strawberry fruit PAH. Celine Dion could be the lampooned guest. She can sing whale song. (mweeeeee! MMMRROOOAOAAAARRR!)

Ah'm gonna MAKE lo-o-ove, even as we sink. Jus' because I might be frozen, that don't mean I won't see pink...

"Hey, Titanic! Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!"
  —The Evil AntiSleep


The UnderTommer:

Subject: South Park Issues
Date: Sun, 15 Mar 98 02:04:27 +0000

SO...
If South Park were in Illinois, would it be abbreviated SPILL?

All right, yes, I did go to the 82nd eviljim's sprogue place. And where there's spose to be a picture of Taison, there's just a picture of some guy. That Taison Chick'n wings is one clever fellow! I knew he was being sneaky, so I went to the big bad beefdashcakedotcom and eventually found screen shots of a certain Daily Show. There he was, big as life! Or really, big as about 64 pixels. Yep, Taison's the blond one.

I've jealously wondered how Rock Clod got the lucky gig he got. You must realize that he's like the only person that gets ALL the Booster Club posts, so when someone says Taison is Trey, that message is immediately deleted and ether-purifying mailbots go out and destroy that person's computer, and usually the entire neighborhood, which is not so bad because usually they're not using an ultracool new G3 Macintosh.

So how did an innocuous Cincinatti pipe-fitter and welder like Rock Clod Akins become the Booster moderator? I wondered... I went to the University Library and hired two research assistants, but 'Stone Cold Joe Austin' is not listed in Who's Who of American Teachers, or in Collier's Encyclopedia (c. 1963), or in Webster's 3rd World Dictionary. The problem plagued me, and it festered, finally breaking open and spilling tiny white spiders all over my Wacom ArtPad.

Then it hit me! (Not the ArtPad, but the problem.) I said, "Dammit! Don't hit me when you're festering that way!" It ignored me. But I didn't ignore it, no siree. I stayed awake all night with the magical mystical Spirograph, attempting to decipher the cryptic circular message like an episode of Millenium.

Finally I got it, because it suddenly occurred to me. The Booster Club so-o-ort of sanctions Taison's beef-cake. And the SP Info Center refers to the Booster Club... and just WHO are the Comedy Partners if not Jesus & Pals... so there it was, the answer plain as day, if the day's not an exciting one but instead is one that's rather plain:

Stone Cold is Matt Stone!

Yeah, I was watching a SP episode in the typical frame-by-frame fashion. And I pay careful attention to the part at the end they call the 'credits' (and children, I've known credit, I've worked with credit, credit's been a good friend of mine and believe me, you're no credit)... um... so in these so-called 'credits', they list the creators Matt & Trey, but then there's a whole SLEW (a mite less than a bunch) of people they refer to as 'animators'.

The show is animated! (Yes, I always knew it wasn't filmed on a soundstage in the Mojave, but that's not the point.) An animated show is made by animators, so it stands to reason that the animators animate the show, while the creators just created it. Matt & Trey created it, and left it to the animators, while they went off to start websites and stuff. No WONDER they mentioned Taison's site at Aspen!

Oh, the web of intrigue was drawing tighter. Spoonline seemed like a pretty hip site ('cept for all the java bombs), and suddenly Jermy says, "I can't take it anymore" and closes up shop. I just assumed he was not wanting to COMPETE with Trey (dammit!) TAISON and was being nice. Now I'm thinking that "Taison" and "Joe" got a couple of big beefcakey Comedy Partners with bulging suits and sunglasses to pay Mister Cannon a little VISIT, heh heh, and put him on ice. Threatening to take him for a long walk off a short pier, wearing a cement overcoat. "Sure would hate to see Spoonline have any... accidents..." the sunglass-ed Comedy Partners said.

Now, besides that, I was reading the Official Rules Of The Comedy Central South Park Booster Club Website (at some URL), and it's chock FULL of twisted and bizarre legalese that only a Comedy Partner could invent. And if something's chock full, that means it's really really full. Like after all those appetizers at Thanksgiving, you become chock full. Seriously, you guys... not CHALK full, that would mean full of chalk, and that doesn't make any sense.

So I'm trying to figure out all this jargon and it looks like, if I post to the Booster Club, I relinquish the inanimate copyright to my words, which become the sole property of Comedy Partners, and can be used against you in a court of law.

Things were so much easier when I was a member of the Scooby-Doo Scooba Diver's Club. Ever wonder why he always said, "Scooby Rooby Roo"? Copyright laws. Gotta change it ju-u-ust enough to get by the network censors, who were really tough in those days, making Shaggy and Scooby sleep in seperate beds and stuff. But those were also the 'good old days', meaning when the goons came to threaten you, it was more like: "Sure would hate to see Scoobline get a... fat lip..."

Or maybe it's worse than even I paranoiacally fear! Matt & Trey may simply be the evil clones of Taison and Joe! The dark and secret underground society we know as Comedy Partners could easily establish some bogus cover, like being Coloradioian film-school dropouts. On acid. Or not. Ah, what a tangled web we weave, when first we struggle to conceive, an animated series that will spread like Wildfire to the four corners and five asses of the earth. She ran spreading Wi-i-ildfire... Wi-i-ildfire...

The clues are everywhere. "Democrats piss me off!" Why? Because the whole Democratic platform is based on wholesome 'family values', while South Park has guest stars like Satan and Robert Spliff. Democrats are outlawing cloning, so SP has a whole entire SHOW about it, and you KNOW it's an endorsement 'cause in that episode, a man... (Mr. Garrison?) okay, a human... (?) can have sex with a pig and create evilspawn. Consequently, the moral is that sex with a human is BAD, but cloning is good. That's certainly no Democratic viewpoint, but more a Republican one. Look at Rush Limbaugh if you don't think an elephant can mate with a pig.

In conclusion, I'm done. Thanks for listening and, as always, be sure to tip your waitunits on the way out. We'd sure hate to have any... accidents...
  —Rogue Dog & the New SouthPark Order


Stone Cold Joe Austin:

Subject: Fwd: You screwed up big time!
Date: Mon, 16 Mar 1998 02:52:39 -0500


From: Informer Spice <007@HRpuffinStuff.net>

I am not revealing my identity, because unlike my fellow Rogue member, Tom Berry, I do not wish to get myself in hot water! But I will confirm that Tom has been right all along! I also had my suspicions about Taison being Trey Parker, but I had no idea that Stone Cold was Matt Stone! How do I know this? Read on, my brothers and sisters! I intercepted this email from Taison to Stone Cold. And Tom, if I were you, I would be on the next plane to Istanbul tonight, before Matt gets this message from Trey and you are murdered by Comedy Central hitmen!  -Informer Spice

>X-Sender: @stratos.net (Unverified)
>X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Pro Version 4.0
>Date: Mon, 16 Mar 1998 02:40:06 -0500
>To: Stone Cold <stonecold2@geocities.com>
>From: Taison <ttant@ugcs.caltech.edu>
>Subject: You screwed up big time!

>Dammit, Matt! I told you not to use a nickname like "Stone Cold" that
>actually has your last name in it! Now not only does Tom Berry know I am
>Trey Parker, but he now knows you are Matt Stone! Mr. Berry is talking
>about us far too much, and he must be silenced before he spreads the
>knowledge of our secret identities any further! Matt, you know what to do.
>Put in the call tonight, and by tomorrow Comedy Central will have taken
>care of Mr. Berry.  -Trey


The UnderTommer:

Informer Spice wrote:

> I am not revealing my identity, because unlike my fellow Rogue member, Tom Berry, I do not wish to get myself in hot water!

So I came home today la de da, and noticed this unfamiliar, sinister-looking black van parked up the street. Didn't worry about it, though. Went inside and while I was looking through my mail, I saw this plain, unmarked envelope. Inside was a note that said:

        "You type too much. Keep your big mouse shut or we'll cut off your
        (over)

        Internet access— permanently."

I'm not worried. This is obviously just a nut case. A sack of marbles. Those Comedy Partners don't scare ME.

So Matt— I mean, Stone Cold Joe Austin (wink wink) once said his low-budget meal was a 99 cent drive-by burger special. I'm po' like Kenny, so I can beat that. My dinner tonight is gonna be a bowl of Top Ramen, 'cause I bought a bunch of it on sale for a DIME apiece! And easy to make, too. Hold on, I'm gonna heat up some water in the microwave...

What...

OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED KITTY! YOU BASTARDS!!


Stone Cold Joe Austin:

Subject: Another One Bites The Dust!
Date: Sat, 21 Mar 1998 18:59:37 -0500
From: Jonan the Barbarian

Um, so much for Tom thinking that Taison is Trey and I am Matt.
Bwhahahahahahahaha!

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