Transcript of a WBPS Meeting


This spontaneous impromptu meeting of the Wilford Brimley Preservation Society will now come to order. Or else it won't. Thanks, everybody, for coming. Although this meeting is force-fed to you, it's good to see such a nice turnout. Our membership is about to break into the double digits. Once again, we begin with our credo: The WBPS is an organization dedicated to preserving Wilford Brimley.

Are there any new members?

Is there anybody OUT there?

A couple of announcements before we begin... Our organization was founded over twenty years ago, and I guess we're doing a pretty good job, because Mr. Brimley is still alive and fairly well, apparently. Maybe this should also serve to remind us that while paople seem to perceive Mr. Brimley as a kind and friendly "grampaw," he's actually a tough old cowboy, and not to be trifled with. Many of the things being said about Chuck Norris could easily apply to Wilford Brimley as well.

Now, over the past twenty years I thnk we've grown a bit complacent. I'd like to see some more involvement from the group in recruiting new members. It would be nice to have a strong showing in the Brimley Days parade. Remember, we have no cost overhead, so we charge NOTHING to join! Donations are, of course, gratefully accepted.

Speaking of which... let's move to the Treasurer's report: The WBPS has no dues or fees, and consequently, no fundage. No money in the coffers. If anyone would like to assume responsibility for collecting donations, forward them to me, here.

Let's review the minutes of the last meeting. Okay, there WAS no last meeting, at least not conducted on the record, so there are no notes or minutes of any meeting.

Old Business. The same old business. Wilford Brimley old. The only business at hand would be the continual efforts to decide how best to preserve Wilfred Brimley. Motions being accepted on whether he should be:

  • Pickled in a giant glass jar
  • Stuffed taxidermically
  • Bronzed and placed on a heavy base
  • Freeze-dried
  • Encased in a block of solid acrylic
  • Some other, or a combination of the above

Some feel he's best preserved if we just remember him fondly in our hearts and on our videos. I personally like having him bronzed and placed on a pedestal, maybe in a small park setting. Jennifer prefers encasing him in a block of clear acrylic, and Mark F. has called from the gallery to suggest having him stuffed with oatmeal. I think this is just a variation on what we call the Taxidermic Solution; but it seems to be a popular (and relatively cheap) option. Nobody seems interested in pickling him in a big jar; maybe that idea's too Dahmeresque. We mustn't be too hasty with our decisions, however, as you'll recall the question itself is our excuse for being. Motion carried to continue mulling this one over. Mull quietly, please.

Some more old business: It's been suggested we try to find some grandmotherly type who can CAN a batch of Wilford Brimley Preserves for sale to the masses. A vote will be taken on whether or not to use actual Wilford Brimley in these preserves or just strawberries and SAY they're Wilford Brimley. Once we figure this out, I think we could launch the product on a national scale, complete with a huge marketing campaign. Any seconds? Wouldn't you just love to see jars of Wilford Brimley on your grocer's shelves? We'll keep working on it. Any label proposals, you can submit to me, here.

On to new business. As I'm sure you're aware, Wilford Brimley's birthday is September 27. I've recently acquired a mailing address— since it's got a suite number, in California, I'm guessing it's some sort of publicist's or agent's address rather than his personal residence (which I believe is someplace near Salt Lake City). Be that as it may, I'm sending a card. I'd like to get it off as soon as possible, as I don't know how long it will take to forward. After the meeting, anyone who'd like to sign it— it's up here.

Those of you who honor the Quaker Day of Atonement will remember that if you just eat one Quaker food product on that day, your sins for all the past year will be forgiven. Heh, heh, I can certainly use THAT.

It seems to me that that would also be a good timeframe for scheduling the annual Brimfest. But as there's no Brimfest Planning Committee, the celebration seems to be on hold. Anyone interested in planning this event should contact me, here. You might start by talking to the city council in Brimley, Michigan.

If anybody runs across ANY Wilford Brimley paraphernalia of any kind, be it action figures or comic books— whatever— please bring it to the next meeting to share with the group. No Quaker Oats containers; they don't count and we have plenty already. And definitely, no Quaker State motor oil stuff! That's just ridiculous.

If there's nothing else...

I guess that just about wraps it up. In closing, there are still some Cocoons left. Help yourself. This meeting is adjourned.


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